Going to bed 1-10

Here I am. Typing. It has been a couple days. Maybe a few. I have a Note5 and I can’t wait the note8. Though I just read they may just include style capabilities on the new S8 and scrap the Note. Which I’m not opposed to if I can do dual screen and write. The fad of phones is funny to me. I guess it’s not a fad just consumerism and new-ism. That’s not right, there is an actual term for it but I’d have to look it up. I am not a person who has to get the new thing when it comes out. I am better than my possessions. “You’re not your fucking khakis” as it was said in Fight Club.  Which is an amazing book. I own almosy every Chuck Palahnuik book. The way he gets into a characters head is amazing. I should try it some time. I am using “I” a lot again. Not sure what to do to fix it other than focus on it but then it feels to me as if there is too much effort. Maybe not though. It probably read better without it… today I found out a dear friend of mine is seperating from her husband for a time. It was a little shocking but also kind of a long time coming. He doesn’t respect her the way he should in my opinion and though the full details have net been shared with me, there is a good chance he has cheated on her. Know there is even a chance makes my blood boil. This would probably make her upset but it is true. It is hard to find the right words for her. Cause I want to tell her to leave and do better because she is an amazing woman who does way more for him than he deserves. Those aren’t the right things to say though, not yet. She is on a journey to be better herself and be more involved with God. I believe in God but I think there is more free agency than some Good fearing christians might. We choose our path. I believe God can only magnify our choices or help direct us. We are the ones who must act and create the change or momentum. Waiting for God to do something means waiting forever. In my eyes at least. We can only control ourselves. We can only control how we react to others and to situations around us. If he react poorly or get upset, that’s on us. Getting mad is on us. We can choose. I say this knowing there are situations where this is not possible, I know what mental illness can do because I have dealt with it personally. But I am lucky. I have pictured my death, many times. But I choose to live and be the best I can. Even when the best seems like complete garbage. Maybe i am just lucky to not be broken in that way. I think it is because I make a conscious choice to choose every day. I decide when I am mad or sad or happy. I am in control at the beginning of the day and if things get out of hand than at the end of the day I refocus to gain control… It is freezing. Time to turn on the fire and go to bed.


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