Insomnia 1-3

I am in bed, awake. I should have my screen off and I know this but I am still going to write a little. I should get a note pad and pen. I would still need a light on though. Maybe I should see if there is a yellow light app for android. I know iphone has the new night mode thing and it seems pretty cool, limiting the blue light. I have had insomnia since I was a teenager and I over the past 15 ish years I have become pretty good at handling it. Some days it kicks my ass though. I will do some stretches in a minute. Do you have insomnia? Not the “i have a hard time sleeping”. I mean legit, dr proven insomnia. I used to be pretty bad. I would be awake for 3 or 4 days at a time. When I would have bad episodes I would hallucinate and forget things I had done. It was nuts. The Ambien helped me sleep but it didn’t help the crazy trips haha I stopped using it years ago. One time when I was still dating my wife I called her while on ambien. I asked her to come pick me up so we xould hang out. She found my on the curb, passed out. I don’t remember any of this. I only remember waking up at her place. She thought I was drunk. I hadn’t told her about my insomnia yet. It was pretty scary for a second when i woke up in a different place than I remembered being last. I didn’t even remember going to bed. That is one of the things ppl don’t realize. The memory of going to bed doesn’t even happen, you just wake up. I wish I did that now, just woke up feeling rested. But I will try to sleep and maybe will get a couple hours in but it will be a long night. I know this. I will keep going though. I have been letting my depression kick my ass but I don’t want to any more. I am starting to scout again and wrote for UTH weekly. I need to be more productive and keep myself side tracked. Thinking about things other than myself but staying productive. For me being productive is key. Or maybe it is just having a goal. I guess I don’t know that it’s production or just working toward something measurable. I mean, football is not really peoductive for society. Which is what bummed me out before. There is so much going on in the world. So much I have no impact on. No platform for. So why do i get so swept up in it. I think I want to do city council one day. Be productive for the community I live in. For now though I will keep working and writing. Maybe I can help someone. I like helling people win at fantasy football. Sometimes i pat myself on the back for my hits. People think it is cocky but I think of it as being positive. I need to remember to find my mostake in the misses. Why i missed. That is something I am working on. Trying to turn them into learning experiences. I should try and sleep. Good night.

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